What 2015 taught me?
2015 has been a stressful year for me. Looking back, I still can’t believe that I let those things happened to me and do nothing about it. Comparing to what I’d experienced from 2014, 2015 was way off.
Maybe I was expecting more since 2014 was such a blast. I got to published books, received a lot of love from people around the Philippines and even some parts of the world, I got the chance to meet new people, experience new things and—be a lot different me. 2014 was really a roller coaster that only ways up but 2015 wasn’t.
To be honest, I enjoyed the recognition and fame. And that’s one thing, I regret from 2015. I was depending on the number of reads, comments and praises. It pressured me to release ideas inside my head that only lead to crappy plots and stories. It pressured me to be better and I want it to be fast.
Next was my status as a student and a part-time instructor. I enjoyed my career as a college professor—I really do. But being a student…I think I underestimated the power of Accountancy or maybe I was being over confident with myself. I always thought that I could do this, study well and work at the same time—that my body started to react and held me up. There was a day in 2015 that my body shut me down and I can even find motivation to move on and start over again. Going to school or work depressed me. It makes me sad just by thinking about it—which is not ‘me’ when I started.
It was painful.
I pitied myself so much.
And a lot of problems involving my family, my friends, paasa-contracts, and problems that I didn’t think would came, happened. They came one by one and don’t even bother knocking on my door even though the previous one hasn’t been solved yet. They just kept coming and coming that I came to the point that inspiration, happiness, motivation and hope left me.
I appreciate less.
I didn’t enjoy little achievements because I want more and bigger achievements. I was so insecure of different people. I think less of myself when I got rejected proposals, when a contract that I was hoping for—well, pinapaasa pa rin ako—or when I don’t get the result I was expecting to get.
I hated myself.
I questioned myself everyday.
Why are you doing this to yourself?
What the hell are you doing?
I was faking it the whole year.
But I don’t regret faking it.
And that’s what 2015 taught me.
Fake smiles, fake motivations, fake happiness, fake inspirations or fake hope can really help. It doesn’t matter if it is not genuine, what matters is that it helped me to survived day by day of 2015. It’s still pushed me to read my notes, write weird imaginations, fool myself that I’ll be happy the next day even though there’s a lot of paper works I have to cram on or believe that everything will be fine after I go to sleep.
It still moved me.
It still made me live my day.
It may not be as festive as my 2014 but it 2015 gave me a lot of pains and lessons. It made me realize things and taught me to be better at my own pace. It taught me to fake it just to make it. And I believe 2015 made a better person compared to the better person I was way back 2014.
2016, I’m still not okay. January 1st happened but that doesn’t mean I can easily say goodbye to 2015.
I’m still not okay.
But please bear with me okay?
I’ll be a better person. This is not my best—probably worse but not worst me.
I don’t care if I’ll still fake it. But I’ll make sure that I will still move forward.
God, thank you.
2015 was still a great year. Not the ‘great’ year that I was expecting but I’m still thankful for it. 2015 made me stronger.
Better Kitin for 2016.
And what a random post, Kitin. You’re so emotional. Gaah